My Boyfriend’s (Girl) Friend Is Getting Between Us
My boyfriend and I just had a fight. I was afraid we were going to break up, but we made up. Then he told me that he'd been hanging out with this female friend of his that a) talks s**t about me and is friends with girls who have cyber bullied me b) had a huge crush on him and c) I've asked him not to hang out with, especially without telling me. I got really sad and reacted pretty badly.
After thinking about it, I realized that he doesn't see her that way and she's one of his only friends. I apologized for overreacting and told him I trust him, but he felt really bad and told me he's not gonna ever do it again. I don't want to cut him off from his friends because I'm feeling insecure, but I also still feel uncomfortable with him hanging out with this girl one-on-one.
As cliché as it sounds, put yourself in his shoes. If you had a close guy friend who wasn’t crazy about your boyfriend, would your boyfriend be OK with you hanging out with him? Would *you* still want to hang out with him? It probably depends on how long you’ve been friends, what you have in common, and why you’re friends in the first place. Although we believe that guys and girls can in fact be just friends, if it’s a crush masquerading as a friendship—on either end—then it’s not a sustainable friendship.
Obviously you want your boyfriend to have his own friends (and you should be able to have yours, too!) And while you’d never want to tell someone who they can and can’t hang out with, these other friends shouldn’t make *you* feel uncomfortable, left out, or straight-up worried.
You did the right thing by talking to him about it and letting him know how you’re feeling. And, judging from his response, he seems to get why you don’t feel great about him hanging out with this girl one-on-one. Explaining why you feel this way—that it’s not so much about him potentially cheating, but more about how she’s acted toward you—makes it easier for him to understand that you’re not being possessive. As Clover reader Rowen put it, “I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone to not spend time with another person because they have been rude to their partner, and for you to accept his offer and move forward.”
But that said, if you decide you’re really OK with him hanging out with this girl, then there’s probably a way to make everyone happy. “Don't be afraid to ask him how important [them hanging out] is, and use his response to come to your conclusion on whether it outweighs your discomfort,” Rowen said. “If you bring it up again, just make it clear you trust him—it's about what she in particular has done, not that you don't want him having any female friends—and you were just upset in the context of you guys having that fight.”
Letting him know that you trust him (if he deserves that trust, of course!) is crucial. He’ll be less likely to chill with her out of spite, and you’ll feel better about the whole thing.
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